Eyes on everything but You.

Dear God,

Why did I ever think I could cry myself out of the wilderness? Why did I ever believe that I could walk away from the wilderness and return when it passed? I'm so sweet for thinking I could do that haha.

When my surroundings felt like they were closing in on me and everything started to get hotter and hotter—when every phone call and email began to fill me with dread—I started the journey of accepting defeat and began looking at everyone around me, but not at You.

My eyes grew heavy with covetousness.

Everyone's lives seemed better than mine. The only thing I felt I had "over" them was my relationship with You. But to be honest, did it really matter—if this is what my life looked like anyway?

I felt disillusioned even believing that You could be good. I heard You were good, but it felt like that goodness had an end—and that end was with us.

Oh God, how foolish I was to sit in that for as long as I did. Please forgive me. Forgive me for tasting Your goodness and seeing Your faithfulness, yet still having the audacity to entertain selfishness. Forgive me for allowing the same old cycle of disappointment and disconnection to reoccur in my life. It's almost like the devil is on autopilot with that pattern. Lord, break me free from the old chains of entitlement. As Job says, are we only willing to take "good" from God and not His discipline also?

I think of Zuri and Zavn, and how much I love them—and it’s that very love that compels me to teach and discipline them when they behave contrary to what they should be doing. Teaching and training a child is exhausting. I wish I could just give in to whatever they want because it offers me ease. It offers me temporary pleasure. However, if I truly love them, I’ll stick it out and do what’s tiring because I know there's gold that sparkles in them.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned by watching everyone else, it's that wherever God is—that's where the greenest grass grows. And that’s where I want to be.

I love You, Abba. Thank You for loving me first. Forgive me for feeling disillusioned about You.

Your baby, Kru x

Take me back